Self Doubt Lies

It's been forever since I've touched this, though maybe it's because it's starting to sink in. A two bit hack is good at lying to others but when they look in the mirror they can't lie to themselves. All they see are gaps and fault lines, places in the mask where hairline fractures become chasms of truth. All of it seeping through the perfect character spread before them. Then, maybe it's the mirror that lies.

Too strong a spirit to really adhere to what the rest of the world shoves down my throat, I throw it back up through attitude and and a sword wielding silver tongue. But even those aren't indeterminable supplies. Sew my lips shut and I'll speak with my eyes. Close them tightly and I'll fight with my fists. Tie my fists behind my back and my soul will rise. A well of anger that seemed unending and yet in the end.. there's something deeper still.

So here I stand, above a running sink that strings a symphony of unshed tears. Facing down the eyes I've seen before. Deeper in their chocolate depths than the hole Alice fell down, lips move to words so sharp with truth that the mirror shatters. But there it is still revealed in the spider web lies that every person tells themselves.

When you learn to hold yourself up after a lifetime of everyone holding you down, you start to turn away from the dark corners where the golden glow of reality weaves silks so fine that you know you're unworthy. That's what it comes down to right? Worthy... but who's to say what you're worthy of, what you'll settle for... Pound your gavel and stick me with your labels. Tell me what you really see of me.. but don't for one second tell me that I'm unworthy.

I'll make that decision on my own

Poison and Lies

Sometimes I write things in hopes that someone sees them. Sometimes I write things to just spew everything I'm holding back onto the digital paper just so that is exists somewhere. Sometimes I write things because my tongue gets stupidly tied over all of the right things to say that I get lost in my own twists and turns.

He talked about water and knots. Bullets and pieces. In the end it all sorta falls down around all of us. He told himself these things because he couldn't tell her. Because even if they were both screaming the same words to one another, the wind drown out their voices with its own hallowed screeching.

Even if they'd lived a lie beyond their mistakes, even if they'd done what everyone else had said what was right, the bigger mistake would have rested in their eyes. She couldn't live like that, lying all of the time. Every drop of poison she'd served herself with those lies was like playing Russian Roulette with five bullets loaded.

With each poisoned lie she handed him the gun and helped him pull the trigger. "Stardust in the eyes and a happy girl in the morning" Whispered on her lips, though what we mistook for stardust was the brim of her tears. Each kiss of her lashes to her cheeks were kisses that she could never have from his lips.

Their denial would have killed them both..

But fuck it, why not.. Life gives us too many chances to walk away from the game with our lives if we only live in fear of what other people think. And just like that, she stilled his hand from pulling the trigger. Instead she pulled him in close, pressed the gun beneath her chin, and kissed him, leaving him the decision to pull the trigger or to hold her close.

"Stardust in the eyes and a happy girl in the morning" awoken to his arms around her, holding her tightly, kissing her sweetly as they live their lives together written on the breath of a mistake.

Don't ask me where this comes from.. I only know that the words were there.

Reblogging

Ahh the Return. I don't quite know how long this blog is going to be but Gail thought of a fantastic idea for a new blog. Turn ons and Turn offs concerning the opposite sex. Now.. It's been a good long while since I've looked at someone in 'That way' that was actually obtainable and I'm not one for keeping lists, but Here goes nothing I suppose.

We'll start with the easier list:

Turn Offs:

Shyness- Now, this isn't a total turn off for me, because lets face it, no one likes being rejected. But I am a friendly enough person. I like to talk to people and I'm probably one of the least judgmental people you could ever come across. I guess, what I'm looking to describe is a certain social ineptitude that's a turn off. I don't want a guy to own a room, I just want him to be socially comfortable or at least fake it!
Assholery - Now don't get me wrong. I like a guy that's a bit of a challenge, but when you're an ass just for the sake of being an ass, with no rhyme or reason to it, then you're just a douche bag, and no one likes a douche bag.
Substance Abuse - Is a total No no for me. I understand vices, and chemical additives in order to feel good, or better in order to deal with whatever you're dealing with. There's a fine line between 'Want' and 'Need' and honestly if you're crossing over the line where that's the ONLY way you can deal.. I'm sorry but that's not gonna work for me.
Little Boys - 'Guys' These days hardly know what it is to be a -man- and most of them are little boys. They don't know how to take care of themselves, they don't know how to take responsibility for anything. They think that just because they pay bills, it makes them a man. I'm sorry, that's so not what it means to be a man at all, much less and adult.

Clinging - I hate -hate- -*-hate-*- clingy guys. I have my own friends, I have my own life. I wanna have my space to still be me. Yes! I enjoy being in a relationship, I enjoy intimacy and spending time with a significant other.. but I hate feeling like I have to spend every waking moment with you. I hate feeling guilty for hanging out with my friends because you're not hanging out with yours (Back to Social Ineptitude: or you don't have any to hang out with)

Beards - For some reason.. Beards just look so ..Itchy.. and it just... I don't particularly like baby faced boys.. but mountain men don't do anything for me either. Part of attraction for me is well kept faces. Beards just seem so... neyh! I suppose you have to have the right face and the right facial hair to work a beard just right. So far, they all seem to be "Nos" in my books.

Retard Speak - I like to think of myself as an intelligent and playful person. I have an online life and an online lifestyle. I understand the culture and there are times where "Hi" becomes "Hai" or words like "Lol, Lawl, Lulz" are used, and even in my most playful of times, I turn on the ghetto and I get a little "Ebonics" on someone. HOWEVER, it is a HUGE turn off when a guy can't speak intelligently. When simple, and God forbid, Complex sentences are outside the realm of possibility, when ever interaction has you calling me "Baybee" or "Gurrl" or even the dreaded "Ma" ... just makes me wanna cringe, tackle you and pluck your whole vocal box out of your throat... These things are No nos.

"Body Spray" guys- FYI, Axe is NOT Cologne! It is not to be used for EVERY occasion. Daily wear, okay.. I get it.. you work in a big sweaty place.. Maybe Chrome or True Religion isn't on tap for the day, but PLEASE for the love of all that is holy and sexy in a man.. wear something else to just.. you know, make me melt.

Turn Ons:

Knowing my favorite Flowers

"Just because" flowers

Laughter

Caring enough to try to make me smile

Intelligence

A "Pet" person

A guy that smells like cologne

Confidence, without being a jerk

A sense of humor (dark, dark humor)

A self sufficient man

A good smile

Strong jawline

Well kept

A man that wears a suit well

Honesty

Accountability

Responsibility

A musician

I can't think of more things.. I need Shower Crayons.. because I thought of things earlier. lol

Taking things for granted

So, there are a lot of things in my life that I completely take for granted. It's amazing how I manage to go through life always wanting more and very little appreciating the things that really do matter. I know, I know.. everyone does it, but Gail proposed a fantastical idea of blogging about 100 things in my daily life, that if were gone tomorrow, I would be sad. Not only that, but if in 3 years.. it would come back.. it would make me smile.

100 is pretty hard to come up with.. and I'm probably gonna sound SUPER shallow.. but lets try it!

1. My Dad

2. My Mom

3. My Step Mom

4. My Eldest Sister

5. Both of my Nephews

6. My Brother in Law

7. My Bestie (Rissy Bear)

8. My Heart (Robby)

9. My laughter (Nehnay//<3>

10. My brother (Nick)

11. My Belo (Jay)

12. Him <3

13. Anubis (My cat)

14. My hearing

15. My sight

16. My best friend Monchi (Only because that's his favorite number)

17. Nate

18. Nate's Insight

19. The ability to form thought

20. My freedom to say fuck

21. My freedom not to believe in God

22. My stubbornness

23. The random love I get online

24. My conversations with Ryo

25. Derek's adorable if not catty bitchyness

26. The freedom to drive

27. the 1.27 in my bank account

28. The freedom to live on my own

29. The comfort my dad provides that "Everything will work out"

30. The ability to reminisce with my sister

31. The joy of my blackberry

32. Texting

33. My ability to Read

34. My love of books

35. The full feeling after a good meal

36. The vibration of my phone that I'm not supposed to have at work

37. The Arizona heat on my skin

38. The calls from Blayde right before I go to work to tell me to have a good day

39. The ability a friend has to love me even when he's mad at me

40. Andy (Only because I just started to realize that I take him for granted)

41. My Job (Because one day I won't work here)

42. The Amount my job pays me (Because I know one day I won't make this much)

43. The time I have to waste, wasting my potential (Because with every day, that time gets shorter)

44. Mikaela.. because she just turned 15 and that scares me.

45. The Family that I never see.

46. My adoptive family

~As I think of more, I'll add to the list~ I really

It is time ...

So this is my life.. this is the way that things are. Since my birthday (August 2nd) I've had a lot of conversations with the important people in my life about the important things, and more so, why I'm so screwed in the head.

Since we're being honest and everything might as well jump right in. Anyone can say they have "Mommy" issues.. some people do. I'm one of those people, but I think its time for me to stop blaming the short comings of my mother as a parent, for the reason that I'm so messed up in the head.

I know what some of you are saying right now "But Gina, you're not that screwed up." You're right, because that's what I let you believe. Ask the very few people that have had an honest glimpse into my life when I think no one is looking. I'm a train wreck. That simple. No one sees that because when I was little, I had a dad that taught me how to lie well.

I learned to lie to everyone about everything. I learned that I could be anything I wanted to be by simply lying and being good at it. I even lie to the person that taught me how to lie, and I lie pretty well. But the problem with lying is, once someone knows you're capable of lying, then they question everything you do.

See, there is a part of me that wants to stop with all the lying, but it's all I've known, its all I know to keep myself well protected from ANYONE getting too close.. because when you're close there is a lot of vulnerability in that. I'm afraid to be vulnerable. Sure, everyone's mostly afraid of that, but the reason I'm afraid of that is because I believe I'm a monster.

I know, I know.. I'm not a horrible person. Which one day I might concede. One day, I may honestly believe that I am not a horrible person. One day, I may love myself. Today.. might be the first step to getting to that day. I want to love myself. I don't wanna be that downer that everyone, that's ever spent more than a month with me, sees. I can be an incredibly negative person. I'm incredibly pessimistic. There was a time in my life where all I wanted to do was live. To find something, ANYTHING, that made me happy and cling to it.

It's truly amazing how a few jaded years can really drag someone down. But! Back to the fact that I feel like there is a monster inside of me that desperately wants to get out and do bad things. I believe this because I feel its true. Go read my previous blogs, Read like one of the first ones "Johnny Cash's -Hurt" yeah. I feel like that, I feel like that almost all of the time.

Still working through this whole honesty thing, I have something else I have to be honest about. There are times, serious times, where I feel like I don't deserve the good things that happen in my life. There are times where I'm so irrational, so lost, so self destructive, that the only calming, the only solution, the only thing I want is for my flesh to tear by any means necessary. This isn't some sort of 'cry for help' because I've already cried for help. I've already found small bits of islands of respite that save me from that abyss of my own monster. Cutting.. self mutilation.. that's my Monster, the monster I rail against so entirely, so completely, that I'm exhausted.

It's time for me to stop feeling that way. It's time for me to be able to be left alone with myself for a week, a weekend, a few weeks, a month, a fortnight.. for an undetermined amount of time without needing anyone around to check on me.

I need to be put on medication. I need two types: A daily antidepressant and something for my anxiety. This isn't me lying, this isn't a sniveling quest for attention. This is me being honest. I also need therapy. I need to catch myself before I lie. I need to stop lying about who I am, and what I am.

I felt inconsequential as a child. I felt used, lied to, and I felt abused and neglected. You know those studies about kids and attention, positive reinforcement and what not? I feel like I got the attention that was available.. but for me, it wasn't enough. I had two older sisters, one with a learning disability, and while I can say that neither one of them got the love and attention they needed, by a long shot, I can say that I got more love and attention from my dad.

Maybe that's why I wanted to be just like him when I grew up. My dad was faultless. The coolest parent around. I got just about everything I wanted, I did anything I wanted, and I always knew that Daddy was going to save me... he was superman, because I was his audience and his disciple to all of his slight of hands. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.. and my father made that road beautifully.

He wasn't a Saint. He was simply the best father he thought he should be. He did what he did out of consideration of his children, for their love and their acceptance, just as I found that I did what I could for his love and acceptance. I love my dad, dearly. I always will and it will be the worst day in my life the day I have to say goodbye to that man. But he wasn't faultless for the way that I am. He taught me everything I know, both good and bad. I'm more like him that I admit.

It's time for the little girl to stop playing in her Daddy's shoes and wear her own. I love my dad, till the day I die.. but I can't be him, I can't be like him.. I have to be me and I have to love me.

It's also time for that same little girl to stop waiting for her mommy. It's time for me to stop being angry about the things that she missed or the things that she didn't do. She can never get that time back, and neither can I. I have to forgive her for the things that she did that were wrong and realize that even if I felt that she didn't love me, I can still love myself.

I don't need anyone else to love me for me to love me.

It is not acceptable to hate myself. It is not acceptable to fear myself. It is not acceptable to accept misery and pain just because I feel I deserve it. It is time to stop being afraid and to stop lying when I am.

I have friends and family that love me. I have people in my life that want me to be happy, that are committed to me being happy. It's time I started paying back their loyalty by being happy damn it.

I deserve this. I deserve to love myself and there are a lot of things about myself to love. I can't do this. I can love myself and I can learn to accept who I am. And if I don't like something about myself, I will change it. I can do this.

Things I can never say to you

Dear ************

I miss you. I miss you on days that end with "y" where I don't get to hear your voice. I miss you on the days that I sleep, knowing you're working and by the time I get up, you'll be asleep. I miss the sound of your voice after not hearing it for a few days.

I'm scared.

I'm scared about the way that I might feel about you because somewhere in my heart, I'm still that girl that you knew all those years ago that fell in love with you. I'm scared to tell everyone in my life how great you are... because one day you're gonna kill me. How do I know?

Because.. of her.

She's like your kyptonite. Your very own brand of heroine.. and you can't stop. Like an addict, all of these years, you won't tell me when she come sweeping back in, but I know. I know the little things you tell me you're up to, are for her. I know that the times where you can't, or won't give me attention, its because she needs you. I know that she'll do and say all the things that you want, only to break you every so often.

I know these things, because you do them to me.

I'm afraid of how much it hurts, when I know the hurt is coming. And these are just little doses. Little pangs of wanting to be the one that you'll look at with such love and adoration. The twitches of old scars that still sting when she hurts you and you come running to me. I'm afraid to see your face again because you'll be the same... and I'll wanna be that girl.

I'll fall again.

One smile from your lips. A look from your eyes.. and I'll be lost. My stomach will twist, my breath will hold, you'll move in for a kiss, and I won't stop you. And then, Nothing. My world will change again, all over again. You'll have done it to me again. But is it worth it? Does the risk of loss justify the possible gain?

See, its easy now. We're in grey. Great friends, flirty lovers.. but from this distance, I never have to be exclusive, I never have to confess all of these fears and I never have to confess all of this love. But think about it, after all of these years, who's the one person you haven't grown tired of? Who's the one person that's always there? Who would drop anything, and everything if you needed someone? No.. you never asked for those things, but I gave them. I gave them freely because I loved you... because I still do.

But if I never see you again... I never have to make that choice. I never have to be without you.. but even that, has its disadvantages. Even that risks something.

So which is it? Sometimes I ask myself this question. Am I here because you want me? Or do you only want me because I'm here? Pretty pathetic huh? Waiting around just to hold onto something that is only ever the blurred grey area of what we have?

But living blurred in this monochrome monotony is better than death.. right? ...

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Right?

How many times have I started this? Too many to count.. But I suppose its time. I find it somehow disheartening that I've fallen so far from my goal to actually write this blog. The truth is that when it comes to my blogging, I generally don't wanna do it if I don't have something to say. It just seems like the things I have to say are sometimes so wholeheartedly despressing that I can't help but feel like I'm a broken record.

I guess I try to write about things that are significant, things that matter to my readers. I reveal some insight about myself in hopes of not only putting out in the universe that this is who I am, but these are things that happen and things that hopefully people learn from. The truth hurts, and sometimes its brutal in its pain. Its a honesty that either makes one bitter, or makes one a better person. I would hope, the most for the latter. Here we go....

I'm a Twilight Fangirl... Now, save your shit talking till I'm done.. I'm a fangirl.. I'm not some silly little tweeny girl that loudly trumpets for Team Jacob or Team Edward.. and sometimes I'm so annoyed by Stephanie Meyer's transparency of her characters that I stop reading the books all together. I, sometimes, hate the characters (Bella Especially) so damn much that I can't even stand to think about the series. I laugh at all the lameness of the movies and the books and I make very little attempt to champion Stephanie Meyer or the way that she absolutely screwed the Vampire/Werewolf genre.

I'm honest enough to admit that the books are nothing more than an incredibly trashy romance novel. However, its my trashy romance novel. For those that know me, I'm not really a girl. I'm not a girly girl and sometimes I'm actually the very opposite of said girl. Even I, however, have my moments. This would be these moments.

Its not for Bella, its not even for Edward, or their mostly trashy romance story. I honestly find myself eager to sit in a theater for almost 12hrs because visually speaking, the Movies are appealing and because sometimes, I find myself identifying with Jacob so wholeheartedly that last night, while sitting in the theater, watching the Midnight showing of Eclipse, I cried at least twice.

Jacob is a pompus jackass bastard sometimes through the book series, but what's real about Jacob, what I find to be the appeal of the character is the fact that I know how his heart bleeds. Its never something that I have indentified with in any other series. I think that the one thing that was written well was Jacob. While at times I found his methods of trying to win Bella over deplorable, I can't argue that in the very desperations of persuit of the ones that you feel love over that I wouldn't do something similar.

Jacob believed, with his entire being, that Bella was his soul mate, and I don't think he was wrong. I think that had Bella stayed human, Jacob was the only natural choice. BUT! Back to my original point... I've felt for Jacob so deeply.

I've been that 'other' person. Sometimes, I believe I still am. I know, all too well, how it is to love someone, to know you're good for them.. to have them say as much and then for them to walk away from you. I'm no saint. Often times, you'll find that I call myself the worst person in the world. But do I deserve the pain I cart around? Did Jacob? ...When you love someone, to the very depths of your soul.. When it comes down to every other person being just a shallow mirror image of that one person that was absolute perfection.

If you love something let it go.. but what are you left with when what you've let go, refuses to let you go? It's a cruel game.. and because of that, I cried for Jacob.