Things I can never say to you

Dear ************

I miss you. I miss you on days that end with "y" where I don't get to hear your voice. I miss you on the days that I sleep, knowing you're working and by the time I get up, you'll be asleep. I miss the sound of your voice after not hearing it for a few days.

I'm scared.

I'm scared about the way that I might feel about you because somewhere in my heart, I'm still that girl that you knew all those years ago that fell in love with you. I'm scared to tell everyone in my life how great you are... because one day you're gonna kill me. How do I know?

Because.. of her.

She's like your kyptonite. Your very own brand of heroine.. and you can't stop. Like an addict, all of these years, you won't tell me when she come sweeping back in, but I know. I know the little things you tell me you're up to, are for her. I know that the times where you can't, or won't give me attention, its because she needs you. I know that she'll do and say all the things that you want, only to break you every so often.

I know these things, because you do them to me.

I'm afraid of how much it hurts, when I know the hurt is coming. And these are just little doses. Little pangs of wanting to be the one that you'll look at with such love and adoration. The twitches of old scars that still sting when she hurts you and you come running to me. I'm afraid to see your face again because you'll be the same... and I'll wanna be that girl.

I'll fall again.

One smile from your lips. A look from your eyes.. and I'll be lost. My stomach will twist, my breath will hold, you'll move in for a kiss, and I won't stop you. And then, Nothing. My world will change again, all over again. You'll have done it to me again. But is it worth it? Does the risk of loss justify the possible gain?

See, its easy now. We're in grey. Great friends, flirty lovers.. but from this distance, I never have to be exclusive, I never have to confess all of these fears and I never have to confess all of this love. But think about it, after all of these years, who's the one person you haven't grown tired of? Who's the one person that's always there? Who would drop anything, and everything if you needed someone? No.. you never asked for those things, but I gave them. I gave them freely because I loved you... because I still do.

But if I never see you again... I never have to make that choice. I never have to be without you.. but even that, has its disadvantages. Even that risks something.

So which is it? Sometimes I ask myself this question. Am I here because you want me? Or do you only want me because I'm here? Pretty pathetic huh? Waiting around just to hold onto something that is only ever the blurred grey area of what we have?

But living blurred in this monochrome monotony is better than death.. right? ...

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Right?