Self Doubt Lies

It's been forever since I've touched this, though maybe it's because it's starting to sink in. A two bit hack is good at lying to others but when they look in the mirror they can't lie to themselves. All they see are gaps and fault lines, places in the mask where hairline fractures become chasms of truth. All of it seeping through the perfect character spread before them. Then, maybe it's the mirror that lies.

Too strong a spirit to really adhere to what the rest of the world shoves down my throat, I throw it back up through attitude and and a sword wielding silver tongue. But even those aren't indeterminable supplies. Sew my lips shut and I'll speak with my eyes. Close them tightly and I'll fight with my fists. Tie my fists behind my back and my soul will rise. A well of anger that seemed unending and yet in the end.. there's something deeper still.

So here I stand, above a running sink that strings a symphony of unshed tears. Facing down the eyes I've seen before. Deeper in their chocolate depths than the hole Alice fell down, lips move to words so sharp with truth that the mirror shatters. But there it is still revealed in the spider web lies that every person tells themselves.

When you learn to hold yourself up after a lifetime of everyone holding you down, you start to turn away from the dark corners where the golden glow of reality weaves silks so fine that you know you're unworthy. That's what it comes down to right? Worthy... but who's to say what you're worthy of, what you'll settle for... Pound your gavel and stick me with your labels. Tell me what you really see of me.. but don't for one second tell me that I'm unworthy.

I'll make that decision on my own

Poison and Lies

Sometimes I write things in hopes that someone sees them. Sometimes I write things to just spew everything I'm holding back onto the digital paper just so that is exists somewhere. Sometimes I write things because my tongue gets stupidly tied over all of the right things to say that I get lost in my own twists and turns.

He talked about water and knots. Bullets and pieces. In the end it all sorta falls down around all of us. He told himself these things because he couldn't tell her. Because even if they were both screaming the same words to one another, the wind drown out their voices with its own hallowed screeching.

Even if they'd lived a lie beyond their mistakes, even if they'd done what everyone else had said what was right, the bigger mistake would have rested in their eyes. She couldn't live like that, lying all of the time. Every drop of poison she'd served herself with those lies was like playing Russian Roulette with five bullets loaded.

With each poisoned lie she handed him the gun and helped him pull the trigger. "Stardust in the eyes and a happy girl in the morning" Whispered on her lips, though what we mistook for stardust was the brim of her tears. Each kiss of her lashes to her cheeks were kisses that she could never have from his lips.

Their denial would have killed them both..

But fuck it, why not.. Life gives us too many chances to walk away from the game with our lives if we only live in fear of what other people think. And just like that, she stilled his hand from pulling the trigger. Instead she pulled him in close, pressed the gun beneath her chin, and kissed him, leaving him the decision to pull the trigger or to hold her close.

"Stardust in the eyes and a happy girl in the morning" awoken to his arms around her, holding her tightly, kissing her sweetly as they live their lives together written on the breath of a mistake.

Don't ask me where this comes from.. I only know that the words were there.