Since we're being honest and everything might as well jump right in. Anyone can say they have "Mommy" issues.. some people do. I'm one of those people, but I think its time for me to stop blaming the short comings of my mother as a parent, for the reason that I'm so messed up in the head.
I know what some of you are saying right now "But Gina, you're not that screwed up." You're right, because that's what I let you believe. Ask the very few people that have had an honest glimpse into my life when I think no one is looking. I'm a train wreck. That simple. No one sees that because when I was little, I had a dad that taught me how to lie well.
I learned to lie to everyone about everything. I learned that I could be anything I wanted to be by simply lying and being good at it. I even lie to the person that taught me how to lie, and I lie pretty well. But the problem with lying is, once someone knows you're capable of lying, then they question everything you do.
See, there is a part of me that wants to stop with all the lying, but it's all I've known, its all I know to keep myself well protected from ANYONE getting too close.. because when you're close there is a lot of vulnerability in that. I'm afraid to be vulnerable. Sure, everyone's mostly afraid of that, but the reason I'm afraid of that is because I believe I'm a monster.
I know, I know.. I'm not a horrible person. Which one day I might concede. One day, I may honestly believe that I am not a horrible person. One day, I may love myself. Today.. might be the first step to getting to that day. I want to love myself. I don't wanna be that downer that everyone, that's ever spent more than a month with me, sees. I can be an incredibly negative person. I'm incredibly pessimistic. There was a time in my life where all I wanted to do was live. To find something, ANYTHING, that made me happy and cling to it.
It's truly amazing how a few jaded years can really drag someone down. But! Back to the fact that I feel like there is a monster inside of me that desperately wants to get out and do bad things. I believe this because I feel its true. Go read my previous blogs, Read like one of the first ones "Johnny Cash's -Hurt" yeah. I feel like that, I feel like that almost all of the time.
Still working through this whole honesty thing, I have something else I have to be honest about. There are times, serious times, where I feel like I don't deserve the good things that happen in my life. There are times where I'm so irrational, so lost, so self destructive, that the only calming, the only solution, the only thing I want is for my flesh to tear by any means necessary. This isn't some sort of 'cry for help' because I've already cried for help. I've already found small bits of islands of respite that save me from that abyss of my own monster. Cutting.. self mutilation.. that's my Monster, the monster I rail against so entirely, so completely, that I'm exhausted.
It's time for me to stop feeling that way. It's time for me to be able to be left alone with myself for a week, a weekend, a few weeks, a month, a fortnight.. for an undetermined amount of time without needing anyone around to check on me.
I need to be put on medication. I need two types: A daily antidepressant and something for my anxiety. This isn't me lying, this isn't a sniveling quest for attention. This is me being honest. I also need therapy. I need to catch myself before I lie. I need to stop lying about who I am, and what I am.
I felt inconsequential as a child. I felt used, lied to, and I felt abused and neglected. You know those studies about kids and attention, positive reinforcement and what not? I feel like I got the attention that was available.. but for me, it wasn't enough. I had two older sisters, one with a learning disability, and while I can say that neither one of them got the love and attention they needed, by a long shot, I can say that I got more love and attention from my dad.
Maybe that's why I wanted to be just like him when I grew up. My dad was faultless. The coolest parent around. I got just about everything I wanted, I did anything I wanted, and I always knew that Daddy was going to save me... he was superman, because I was his audience and his disciple to all of his slight of hands. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.. and my father made that road beautifully.
He wasn't a Saint. He was simply the best father he thought he should be. He did what he did out of consideration of his children, for their love and their acceptance, just as I found that I did what I could for his love and acceptance. I love my dad, dearly. I always will and it will be the worst day in my life the day I have to say goodbye to that man. But he wasn't faultless for the way that I am. He taught me everything I know, both good and bad. I'm more like him that I admit.
It's time for the little girl to stop playing in her Daddy's shoes and wear her own. I love my dad, till the day I die.. but I can't be him, I can't be like him.. I have to be me and I have to love me.
It's also time for that same little girl to stop waiting for her mommy. It's time for me to stop being angry about the things that she missed or the things that she didn't do. She can never get that time back, and neither can I. I have to forgive her for the things that she did that were wrong and realize that even if I felt that she didn't love me, I can still love myself.
I don't need anyone else to love me for me to love me.
It is not acceptable to hate myself. It is not acceptable to fear myself. It is not acceptable to accept misery and pain just because I feel I deserve it. It is time to stop being afraid and to stop lying when I am.
I have friends and family that love me. I have people in my life that want me to be happy, that are committed to me being happy. It's time I started paying back their loyalty by being happy damn it.
I deserve this. I deserve to love myself and there are a lot of things about myself to love. I can't do this. I can love myself and I can learn to accept who I am. And if I don't like something about myself, I will change it. I can do this.
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