How many times have I started this? Too many to count.. But I suppose its time. I find it somehow disheartening that I've fallen so far from my goal to actually write this blog. The truth is that when it comes to my blogging, I generally don't wanna do it if I don't have something to say. It just seems like the things I have to say are sometimes so wholeheartedly despressing that I can't help but feel like I'm a broken record.

I guess I try to write about things that are significant, things that matter to my readers. I reveal some insight about myself in hopes of not only putting out in the universe that this is who I am, but these are things that happen and things that hopefully people learn from. The truth hurts, and sometimes its brutal in its pain. Its a honesty that either makes one bitter, or makes one a better person. I would hope, the most for the latter. Here we go....

I'm a Twilight Fangirl... Now, save your shit talking till I'm done.. I'm a fangirl.. I'm not some silly little tweeny girl that loudly trumpets for Team Jacob or Team Edward.. and sometimes I'm so annoyed by Stephanie Meyer's transparency of her characters that I stop reading the books all together. I, sometimes, hate the characters (Bella Especially) so damn much that I can't even stand to think about the series. I laugh at all the lameness of the movies and the books and I make very little attempt to champion Stephanie Meyer or the way that she absolutely screwed the Vampire/Werewolf genre.

I'm honest enough to admit that the books are nothing more than an incredibly trashy romance novel. However, its my trashy romance novel. For those that know me, I'm not really a girl. I'm not a girly girl and sometimes I'm actually the very opposite of said girl. Even I, however, have my moments. This would be these moments.

Its not for Bella, its not even for Edward, or their mostly trashy romance story. I honestly find myself eager to sit in a theater for almost 12hrs because visually speaking, the Movies are appealing and because sometimes, I find myself identifying with Jacob so wholeheartedly that last night, while sitting in the theater, watching the Midnight showing of Eclipse, I cried at least twice.

Jacob is a pompus jackass bastard sometimes through the book series, but what's real about Jacob, what I find to be the appeal of the character is the fact that I know how his heart bleeds. Its never something that I have indentified with in any other series. I think that the one thing that was written well was Jacob. While at times I found his methods of trying to win Bella over deplorable, I can't argue that in the very desperations of persuit of the ones that you feel love over that I wouldn't do something similar.

Jacob believed, with his entire being, that Bella was his soul mate, and I don't think he was wrong. I think that had Bella stayed human, Jacob was the only natural choice. BUT! Back to my original point... I've felt for Jacob so deeply.

I've been that 'other' person. Sometimes, I believe I still am. I know, all too well, how it is to love someone, to know you're good for them.. to have them say as much and then for them to walk away from you. I'm no saint. Often times, you'll find that I call myself the worst person in the world. But do I deserve the pain I cart around? Did Jacob? ...When you love someone, to the very depths of your soul.. When it comes down to every other person being just a shallow mirror image of that one person that was absolute perfection.

If you love something let it go.. but what are you left with when what you've let go, refuses to let you go? It's a cruel game.. and because of that, I cried for Jacob.