Sometimes I wish I could lose you again

Obviously, I'm supposed to be sleeping. I'm not. For hours now since my cousin asked, I've been craving the written word. I feel like I've been holding some unspoken feeling in the back of my throat. I get these feelings often. I've probably complained about them enough to actually be secure in the fact that I've been choking for a good long while.

Originally, I wasn't gonna blog without Gail. We had an idea for our next ones, but I'm holding onto some sort of complicated feeling. I feel like everything in my life amounts to nothing. And I think its true. I think I live for appearances. Like a drug addict, I'm just chasing a feeling and destroying myself in the process to find it.

Let me elaborate. This stems back from a conversation I had a long while ago with a friend of mine that had a really bad meth problem. Before I get back ontrack, let me side track to her. I'll abstain from her name, but I will say that she is my hero. Honestly and truly, she's one of the few women that I can look at and be honored to know her. This woman used to be a Meth Addict. From what she's told me, she was pretty bad too. What makes her my hero isn't the fact that she just overcame her addiction. A lot of people have them in this day in age. What makes her my hero is that I can look at her and absolutely know in the depth of my soul, that she will never again go back to that demon. Its not just her strength, not just her will that I admire in her, but its the grace and love that she still lives her life with.

Addicts, somewhere along the line, lose themselves, their dignity and their soul to whatever it is that drags them down. They become the shell of what used to be a functional person. Maybe she did get that far and lose that much of herself, but looking at her today, you'd never know it. She's strong and independent. She lives, works and breathes for herself, but I think more so, somewhere along the line of her addiction and her recovery, she remembered how to love herself. That's something not even functional people can do. I know that I can't... but I think that's why she's my hero.. because some day, I hope to be able to love myself the way that she loves herself. Thank you, Ames (Nickname).

Back on track! An addict only becomes an addict because they're chasing that first high. I find this to be a true enough statement because that first high, that's the best high you've ever had. Its that initial feeling of elation of something new, something different, something that makes you feel not like you. Its the very paramount of what you could ever feel off of that substance and every other high is going to pale in comparison. An addict continues their addiction, and their addiction escalates because somewhere in their mind, they're chasing down that feeling again. They want that absolute paramount of feeling that they had achieved at one time off of this substance, but what they cannot understand is they can never get that back.

I use this reference because I'm chasing a feeling inside of me. I remember what it was like to be happy. I remember what it was like to know safety and comfort for longer than a moment, a few weeks. I remember what it was like to simply love... Now.. my life is meant only to chase down that feeling again. Like an addict increasing their dosage to try and hit that euphoria... I find myself desperate to find that right amount of passion in my system. That new feeling that would make me feel like I could fly.

I fear that THAT feeling... is long since dead. And that soon, I'll just burn out in a blaze. I feel like I've been reduced to embers subtly crackling away on the last bits of oxygen and tinder.. only to be left forgotten, to burn up, and out.


Complicated feeling, like I've said. Now though, I think I've set enough out there for the universe to chew on. Somewhere in my heart of hearts, I love you all. Always know that

-Mous