I Suck

Great title for the very start of a blog, I know, I know. The reason I know this is because its true. For the few of you that read this, you're gonna argue with me. I promise, you're waisting your breath. The only reaon that I'm saying that is because I find that arguing with me on the fact that I suck is useless. I've made up my mind and no matter the compliment that's given, you can't change my mind about it.


Plus, not many people are going to read this anyhow. I just need space to put something in the universe that I know certian people are going to ignore. Is that sad? I think it is. Further reason why I suck. Its going to be a reoccuring theme through this thing I think. Or at least this post. Get over it, I already have. I mean, how stupid am I that I have to create a blog on a spot that I don't think many will read only to get things out into the universe.


I'm an odd little bird. Not sounding like a dating site at all, but I find that the things I think and the way I approach life, many people are both astounded and probably inimiated by me. I hate people without the balls to actually be friends with me. People take the jaded exterior and just can't take it. YES! I'm a big girl.. Leaving out the girl, I'm fat. I totally understand that. Its part of my psychological issues. *Shrugs* Even fat kids need something more to love than just cake. I'm sure there are plenty of people that know me, that have gotten to know me that will say I'm a super awesome person.


I really try to be. There's been so much unfairness towards me in this universe that honestly, I can't stand to see the people I like hurt. I'm really protective. My best friend calls it a Marytr complex. Maybe she's right. Sometimes I feel like I'm not worth it; like I suck so much that I honestly deserve to suffer for the people I love.


I hate Jesus freaks that are severely all about "Christ".. Don't get me wrong! Stop right there before you get all high and mighty on your soapbox! I totally respect people's right to choose a religion, and people's right not to believe in God at all. Personally.. I have a relationship with "God" that allows me to tell 'Him" to fuck off whenever I feel he's being unfair. He also gets the choice to fuck with me all he wants. Do I necessarily believe in Jesus? Maybe. I believe that if there really was a son of God.. He's pissed. He's pissed because of all of these new age, tongue speaking, bible thumping, "God" invoking, Jesus freaks that can't see past their own jugemental insecurities to see the heart of the message.


PS. I'm random. I like being random, and part of this blog is just to get somethings off of my chest. Maybe It'll help with the anger that everyone tells me I'm carrying around. Sure.. My life is dark. I've been to some pretty dark places in my nearly Twenty Six (OMG I'm getting so old) years on this planet. Not everything is dark though. I've got some pretty awesome family.. when they wanna be. I've got some super fantastic friends .. when I'm not too busy. And I've got a cat that is trying to kill me.


All and all a pretty fair share on life as it stands. Yes, I'm single. Its halfway by my own choice after my ex left me. Yes, I have baggage.. some of it was from him. most of it I think is just the brusies and the scars that haven't stopped scratching. Healing.. sure. But even that takes time.


I hate when people are sickeningly optimistic. They're always like "It'll get better Gina." .. Really? I don't care if it'll get better. I care that its shitty now! That's not to say that my life is totally shitty now. Its not. I've got some bright spots, but I'm kind of exhausted.


That's the thing. I work overnights, which is a completely different beast. It turns you into a differnt person. You're happier.... but then there are so many things you feel like you miss out on because no one knows when you catch you for hanging out. I need to get out of the house more. I also need to get some sun. ... Sun's the hard part. I hate the sun.


I also hate being broke. It feel like I'm working myself into a grave. Then again, we all are, aren't we? I think so. I know if I died tomorrow, I'd hate the way I lived. I'd wanna go back.. start it all over again and not be like this. Maybe that's the first step to making everything different. I want more than just this moment.. but all of my actions are for the moment. How does one live in the moment, living it to its max and yet want so much more for the future. Things to Ponder.. things to Ponder.


I may throw up (*Hurk*) some of my writing excerps here. I dunno. I think I'm a hack. Eventually I may even have a theme where I talk about current events and what not. Now I'm severly rambling. I'm tired. i really wanna sleep for days... I also want sex, but that's not something that's possible.


I'm picky about who I sleep with.


Anywho.. gonna go now, before I fall asleep sitting here at work.

TTFN ~

Mous