I get what I deserve

Some days I feel like I'm just choking down bitterness. Like its hard to swallow all the time in between. The other day in the car with my best friend the song The Approaching Curve came on. There's a line there

"Why are you doing this?" she spoke as if not expecting a response.
Her voice penetrated the still air of our speechless drive,
So suddenly that my heart had jumped.
"I'm not doing anything," I said, but I didn't even believe that myself.
"This is what's best, for me, for you, for us," or maybe just for me I thought,

That contiously strikes me about the song. Because that's what it was... Why was he doing this? Why did he break it all to pieces? Why did he break me all to pieces? That's the bitterness I choke down all the time. I'm supposed to be getting better, to be getting over this. That last part there.. maybe that was it.

I told her that I knew when I was better because that part of the song would stop twisting something inside of me. It hasn't stopped. What's going to do it? What's going to set me free? I keep going back to people to things.. to those I think I love. Maybe that's not it at all.

Maybe I do need to be by myself for a while longer. Maybe I need to go away. Delete my DA, delete my whole existence tied to that. Sure, I wanna make him the villain. He hurt me. He hurt me deeper than anything he'll understand. What's worse, he didn't care. I always told him I was afraid of being dispensable to him. He lied to me, straight to my face. Everyone's dispensable.

I have good days and I have bad days. Maybe this is just another one of those bad days. I know he's happy. Our circles haven't separated far enough for me to have him out of my system. I wish it had. Maybe when I leave but its so far away. I wish I could just bleed it out. Bleed all of it out. The part that twists and tatters around the edges of a hole that hasn't healed. The small strings that still rip away through the scar tissue to open up at the seams again and bleed anew.

What do you do with a wound that just won't heal? I'd like to know. I'd like to know how to make it stop, how to dull the pain. Hating him won't work. Ignoring him hasn't. ..Yeah. Its a pretty bad day. Maybe its the sleep deprivation. Maybe I'm just lonely. Maybe I'm convinced and resigned to the fact that maybe I got what I deserves cosmically.

Life is suffering. If that's the case, I'm very much alive.